Heart Capacity

Do you know that feeling when you're almost overwhelmed by

how much you love someone or something?

When you feel so incredibly lucky... blessed ...

that you feel like your heart could burst?

It's often brought on by a person.

But it can even happen when you're looking out at

an incredibly gorgeous sunset over the ocean.

Or when you're hiking up in the mountains and it's so beautiful and magical

that you're pretty sure any minute you might meet up with

one of the elves from Middle Earth. :)

I get that feeling even more often now that I have grand kids.

I know I loved my own kids a lot when they were little

(and I still love them now!)

but there's just something about grand kids.

When I see them

or hold them

or even just see a picture of them

I honestly feel like my heart could burst!

I think when you're a parent

you're responsible for so many things related to your kids

well, everything actually

so there are a lot of other feelings mixed in with that incredible love.

But when you're a grand parent

you just get to love on 'em.

So these are my three incredible grand kids

that regularly expand my heart

close to its bursting point.

This is Camden.

I especially love him.

 

This is Andersen.

I especially love him.

And this is Kayley

our newest little Gudgel.

I especially love her.

Books That Have Shaped My Life

As I was unpacking box after box of books when we moved into our new home recently, I started making a special little stack. Now I love to read, so I have a lot of books that I love. But this particular stack ended up being books that at one time or another in my life were used to shape the person I am today. I now have them in between two very cute bookends on top of one of our bookshelves. When I walk by them I'm reminded of the journey that my life has been...so far. Each one came to my life at a time when it was just what I needed. Gifts from God. Helping me to grow in my understanding of who He is and what it means to walk with Him.

Here's the list. Not in any particular order.

• "What Is A Family?" by Edith Schaeffer
• "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken
• "Seasons of Life" by Chuck Swindoll
• "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb
• "Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman" by Anne Ortlund
• "Twelve Things I Want My Kids to Remember Forever" by Jerry Jenkins
• "The Hidden Art of Homemaking" by Edigth Schaeffer
• "L'Abri" by Edith Schaeffer
• "A Slow And Certain Light" by Elizabeth Elliot
• "So You're The Pastor's Wife" by Ruth Senter
• "Only a Prayer Away" by John Guest
• "Fire In Your Heart" by Sammy Tippit
• "High Call, High Privilege" by Gail MacDonald
• "The Fragrance of Beauty" by Joyce Landorf
• "Seizing Your Divine Moment" by Erwin McManus
• "Gifted to Lead" by Nancy Beach

Moving On

I've been thinking a lot lately about moving on...in two very different ways.

One of my dear friends is fighting cancer. One of my favorite people in the whole world. It's finally come down to these last days when God is going to heal her - one way or the other. I know that if He wants to, He has the power to miraculously heal her of this awful disease and let her stay here with all of us for many more years. He could do that. And what an incredible testimony that would be to so many who know and love Carol. But I also know He may choose to heal her once and for all by taking her home to be with Him. If that's His decision, then Carol will be great. But we will all miss her so much.

I was talking to Danielle, one of my daughter-in-laws, yesterday about this whole awful process of death. The process itself can be so painful and hard for everyone involved. And I was sharing with her about what it was like when my mom died. She also had cancer. And I was there with her many years ago when she died. The process of her death was a very dark and confusing time for me. I remember clinging to the verse from Isaiah that says (my paraphrase) "Who among you loves the Lord and walks according to His commandments, yet walks in darkness and has no light. Let him trust in the name of the Lord." Sometimes we hurt so bad in this world, and are so confused, that we just have to cling to the truths we know about God.

That's what I was doing as I watched my mom slipping away from us over those last days. But then that final moment came when I was alone there with her. And after all the pain and darkness...that moment was a miracle. In that one moment she was set free from all the pain and sorrow of this world. I knew she would never have to deal with any of that again. And in that moment, I couldn't see it, but I knew that she had become more alive than she had ever been before. I remember thinking, and being surprised by the fact, that her "death" in this world, in that moment, was as much a miracle as the moments when my children were each born. A brand new life. Such a miracle!

If God chooses to take Carol home to be with Him now, I will miss her so much. But I will once again be in awe of God's awesome power and His incredible plan for us. This life here on earth is only the beginning. There's something so much better up ahead for all of us.

The other "moving on" that I've been thinking about lately has to do with the fact that Dave and I are once again waiting for God to show us what's next. I'm not sure why He chooses to work with Dave and I this way...telling us to pack up and be ready to go...somewhere. But we're ready. The house sold. Most of our worldly possessions are in storage somewhere. And we are waiting for Him to point us in the direction He wants us to go next. Exciting times. But one thing we're doing different this time - we're not making any lists or even trying to figure out what God might have in mind. We tried that last time and God ended up taking us somewhere totally unexpected. So this time...no lists. We're just sitting back and waiting for Him to lay out the road map. Then we'll follow.

Dancing with God

As I was packing up some files in my desk at work this week, I ran across the lyrics to a song that I heard at a Coast Hills Music & Worship Conference back in my ABF days. It was an original song that the author/composer (is that what you call him?) sang at the conference. I've never heard it since then, but it's a song I've thought about a number of times over the years.

The Dance
by Eric Goetze

Who’d have thought I’d ever take a chance. I’ve always known the steps, but never dared to dance. I just watched. It seemed to suit me well. I never had to trust anybody but myself. Jesus, take my hand and lead me through the dance, That moves our love and makes it our romance.

I’ve got a way of never letting go. I hold on to the past, because it’s all I really know. The more we move, the more I feel the ebb and flow. I’m finding that Your will has a rhythm all its own. So when tomorrow comes, I’ll be right where You are, Dancing safely in the comfort of Your arms.

It’s all right that I don’t know exactly what tomorrow holds. I don’t have to leave the future up to chance. There’s so much that I don’t see. So, I’ll follow where You lead. And though I may not love the steps, I’ll take Your hand, And learn to love the dance.

Things I Will Miss From My Time In The Desert

Cathy Morgan - God must have been smiling as He led me into the desert seven years ago and saw my tears and felt the sadness in my heart. He must have been thinking "Oh Bernice, if only you could see the incredible gift I have waiting up ahead for you here." Cath and I joke about how together we make one incredible person. It's been such a blessing to not only have her as my friend, but also as my partner in crime and ministry. Well...I don't think we've ever actually broken the law...except maybe that time she drove through that gate. heehee I will cherish her friendship forever.

Bethany Bible Church - When we left ABF after 25 wonderful years of life and ministry there, my heart was so full of the people there that I couldn't ever imagine loving another church family that much. I just didn't think there was enough room in my heart. But God has shown me through our time here that He can expand our hearts. I have loved ministering to and with the people God had waiting for us here and the people He's brought to BBC since we came. This place is truly filled with people who are opening their hearts and hands to God and saying "Lord use us all together to do something great for you." And He's answering that prayer day after day after day.

The Music Pod People - Cath, Gay, Dave Merdick...it's been an incredible ride together. Who knew when Dave said, "I want you to start a contemporary service" that we would end up where we are today with The Chapel. And that we would have so much fun together along the way. What a blessing to to be able to work with all of you. You're the best!

The Chapel - oh my goodness. Every weekend I am in awe at what God has done, and is doing, in that building and those services. The incredible team of people God has brought together to minister in there continues to amaze me. It's truly a place where week after week people from any walk of life can come and connect with God and learn more about who He is and what it truly means to walk with Him.

Sunsets - I must admit that the desert has some of the most beautiful sunsets ever! I can still remember that time while Dave & I were still waiting to see where God was going to take us after ABF. Dave had just done a Walk Thru at a church up in the high desert in SoCal. We were driving back home and there was a gorgeous sunset. I remember staring at it and thinking (1) wow...the desert has incredible sunsets! (2) It was as if I heard a little voice saying, "Even in the dry and dead and ugly desert, I will give you glimpses of heaven." (3) Oh no God...that's not a sign to me that you're taking me to the desert is it? No no no.

Wildflowers - There really are a lot of flowers in the desert. Who knew?! When ever I see them I smile and remember that even in the midst of a dry and dead and barren place, God is there and gives us glimpses of heaven.


Things I won't miss:

• Scorpions - Oh Lord, why did you create those awful creatures?
• Five+ months a year of blazing hot weather - Who were those crazy people who first came through this area in their covered wagons and said, "Hey, let's stop here and build a city" ?